I really didn't want to cook, I was so lazy that I just stayed in bed and did not have breakfast!
But I knew I had to leave home at some moment, I would go nuts if I'd stay home all day long. I had to grab my jacket and go wherever, even to a park... I sometimes need some fresh air.
So I called a friend and we met somewhere close to where I live (in the suburbs of Osaka). We were supposed to go for some tea or coffee, but we ended up in a train going to Umeda (one of the business districts of the city, where you find lots of restaurants and stores). We were meeting two of his friends, a couple.
So we were finally in the city, with all the lights and the people rushing around us while we were heading to a big department building. We crossed some streets, dodged some crazy old grandma's and hop into an elevator. My friend pressed the 8th floor botton and said that his friends were looking for new furniture for their new apartment, and also commented very lightly that they had been married for a couple of years and that one of the them was japanese and the other from the US.
I was expecting a nice japanese girl and a tipical nerdy gringo on her side shopping for new furniture and planning to buy some accesories for their soon to come planned and highly desired kid. But to my surprise, I met two cute guys...
One was a slim and nice japanese, and the other was a not so profittable in japanese - but striving to keep up the conversation - nerdy gringo. Cute couple I thought.
We went for dinner, we talked and they talked, and my friend, who happens to be from Russia but perfectly fluent in Japanese kept talking (he talks a lot, but he is fun and really interesting, always asking smart questions unlike me).
As they all kept talking about life in japan, gay life, business, work, travel and environmental problems; I was thinking how much I wanted to be like that couple, I really want to find someone that desires me and loves me, and that is not crazy... someone I can project myself with. I think it is impossible in Japan, I have a rough personality and I am not really cute... but well, one day I will find someone who cares... Somehow it was happy for me to realize that it can be possible, but sad to realize how sad is to be alone, particularly as they caressed each other under the table.
I was impressed by their love, particularly since I could notice that they still had strong feelings for each other even after 6 years... which are like eternity for a cute couple in this cruel, cold and shallow gay world.
Then we went for coffee. We kept talking more and more about nothing important, and finally with my Russian friend we decided to go for some beers. I was planning to be there just for a couple of hours, or until the visit I was not expecting and neither really wanted to host in my place might call. This person is an unknown gringo from California, who happens to be friends with a class mate that just moved to Tokyo. My friend from Tokyo asked if I could receive this kid and I said yes... Although I received some messages from this gringo (no offences but that is how we call people from the US in my country), I never received any confirmation so I wasn't clear if he would show up or not.
So under such circumstances we went to Frenzy, one of the main gay bars in Osaka, owned by an Australian guy. There we were received by some one yelling EDO EDO!!! (yes my name). It was C***, a kid that I find cute and that I happen to meet randomly everywhere I go (parties, bars, clubs, street, restaurants and anywhere). Sadly C*** is not interested in me beyond a friendship (which is what usually happens with me... ). At the same time the bar owner came by and said hi and told me that he has had lunch with H***, another kid that I like and that we were really close friends.
I think I should go into more details about H***, we met in an app on internet with the purpose of having sex. I was sick by the time we met, so nothing happened, and we just became friends. I felt we were really closed friends, and I actually thought that he was cute and wished we just had had sex...
Anyways, we used to meet really often and to chat really often, so I started to get a little confussed, particularly after the Valentine party he suggested we should have in my appartment, where we spent the night cuddling and hugging (which could still be considered friendly), until he just started faking to fuck me... (we were with closing and other girl friend was sleeping in my bed).
But my confussion didn't stop there. A couple of days after valentine's he sent me a messages and decided to spent the night in my place... we ate, and then we got showers, i got in with just underwear to my bed, and he went in with me.
If until that point it sounds that we were going to have sex and that he was actually flirting with me...
You are completely wrong!!!!!
I actually felt like a jerk... like a stupid kid and the rejected nerd from highschool I am.
So I was quite aggresive and excited, so i kissed him and so forth, he didn't complain for a while... until I wanted more than just that, and he was like no... I was like, "then why did you come? "
I was completely lost in translation,
He was just killing time with me because he is bored in Osaka, he has not many friends here...
Crash and burn...
I felt so depressed and sad and lonely and underable and confussed and mad and mad and mad...
Well, that is the person I was reminded when I got in the bar... A person I have no way to runway from anymore, since he is friends with my friends, acquaintance and with the gays in the city, on top of that He ismore popular and cooler than me...
So what I lernt from this really uncomfortable moment:
1.- The gay world is tiny every where in the world.
2.- Japanese people are crazy.
3.- I am not sexy nor desirable beyond friendship.
4.- I will always end up alone.
5.- Never try to flirt on other gays... I always end hurted and thrown as garbage..
So... I hope to meet someone that really likes me and respects me... Although I found some hope after meeting the cute couple... The memory of what happened with H*** destroyed all my hopes again. So as a conclusion, I know i am stupid and I cannot understand people. I am not sexually desired. And I will end up alone and sad...
But not everything is so terrible, so lets celebrate with a song of Hjaltalin
No comments:
Post a Comment