Lost in translation

Life has some nice days and some sad ones. Sometimes I feel like staying in bed all day long, specially when it is cold and grey outside. Well, saturday was one of those days where you just want to sleep. I woke up maybe at 9 or 10 in the morning (I know I am very lazy), and I stayed in bed for sooo long afterwards... listening to several bands like my new favorite Hjaltalin! so relaxing... (look for the video at the end)

I really didn't want to cook, I was so lazy that I just stayed in bed and did not have breakfast!

But I knew I had to leave home at some moment, I would go nuts if I'd stay home all day long. I had to grab my jacket and go wherever, even to a park... I sometimes need some fresh air.

So I called a friend and we met somewhere close to where I live (in the suburbs of Osaka). We were supposed to go for some tea or coffee, but we ended up in a train going to Umeda (one of the business districts of the city, where you find lots of restaurants and stores). We were meeting two of his friends, a couple.

So we were finally in the city, with all the lights and the people rushing around us while we were heading to a big department building. We crossed some streets, dodged some crazy old grandma's and hop into an elevator. My friend pressed the 8th floor botton and said that his friends were looking for new furniture for their new apartment, and also commented very lightly that they had been married for a couple of years and that one of the them was japanese and the other from the US.

I was expecting a nice japanese girl and a tipical nerdy gringo on her side shopping for new furniture and planning to buy some accesories for their soon to come planned and highly desired kid. But to my surprise, I met two cute guys...

One was a slim and nice japanese, and the other was a not so profittable in japanese - but striving to keep up the conversation - nerdy gringo. Cute couple I thought.

We went for dinner, we talked and they talked, and my friend, who happens to be from Russia but perfectly fluent in Japanese kept talking (he talks a lot, but he is fun and really interesting, always asking smart questions unlike me).

As they all kept talking about life in japan, gay life, business, work, travel and environmental problems; I was thinking how much I wanted to be like that couple, I really want to find someone that desires me and loves me, and that is not crazy... someone I can project myself with. I think it is impossible in Japan, I have a rough personality and I am not really cute... but well, one day I will find someone who cares... Somehow it was happy for me to realize that it can be possible, but sad to realize how sad is to be alone, particularly as they caressed each other under the table.

I was impressed by their love, particularly since I could notice that they still had strong feelings for each other even after 6 years... which are like eternity for a cute couple in this cruel, cold and shallow gay world.

Then we went for coffee. We kept talking more and more about nothing important, and finally with my Russian friend we decided to go for some beers. I was planning to be there just for a couple of hours, or until the visit I was not expecting and neither really wanted to host in my place might call. This person is an unknown gringo from California, who happens to be friends with a class mate that just moved to Tokyo. My friend from Tokyo asked if I could receive this kid and I said yes... Although I received some messages from this gringo (no offences but that is how we call people from the US in my country), I never received any confirmation so I wasn't clear if he would show up or not.

So under such circumstances we went to Frenzy, one of the main gay bars in Osaka, owned by an Australian guy.  There we were received by some one yelling EDO EDO!!! (yes my name). It was C***, a kid that I find cute and that I happen to meet randomly everywhere I go (parties, bars, clubs, street, restaurants and anywhere). Sadly C*** is not interested in me beyond a friendship (which is what usually happens with me... ). At the same time the bar owner came by and said hi and told me that he has had lunch with H***, another kid that I like and that we were really close friends.

I think I should go into more details about H***, we met in an app on internet with the purpose of having sex. I was sick by the time we met, so nothing happened, and we just became friends. I felt we were really closed friends, and I actually thought that he was cute and wished we just had had sex...
Anyways, we used to meet really often and to chat really often, so I started to get a little confussed, particularly after the Valentine party he suggested we should have in my appartment, where we spent the night cuddling and hugging (which could still be considered friendly), until he just started faking to fuck me... (we were with closing and other girl friend was sleeping in my bed).

But my confussion didn't stop there. A couple of days after valentine's he sent me a messages and decided to spent the night in my place... we ate, and then we got showers, i got in with just underwear to my bed, and he went in with me.

If until that point it sounds that we were going to have sex and that he was actually flirting with me...

You are completely wrong!!!!!

I actually felt like a jerk... like a stupid kid and the rejected nerd from highschool I am.

So I was quite aggresive and excited, so i kissed him and so forth, he didn't complain for a while... until I wanted more than just that, and he was like no... I was like, "then why did you come? "

I was completely lost in translation,

He was just killing time with me because he is bored in Osaka, he has not many friends here...

Crash and burn...

I felt so depressed and sad and lonely and underable and confussed and mad and mad and mad...

Well, that is the person I was reminded when I got in the bar... A person I have no way to runway from anymore, since he is friends with my friends, acquaintance and with the gays in the city, on top of that He ismore popular and cooler than me...

So what I lernt from this really uncomfortable moment:

1.- The gay world is tiny every where in the world.
2.- Japanese people are crazy.
3.- I am not sexy nor desirable beyond friendship.
4.- I will always end up alone.
5.- Never try to flirt on other gays... I always end hurted and thrown as garbage..

So... I hope to meet someone that really likes me and respects me... Although I found some hope after meeting the cute couple... The memory of what happened with H*** destroyed all my hopes again. So as a conclusion, I know i am stupid and I cannot understand people. I am not sexually desired. And I will end up alone and sad...

But not everything is so terrible, so lets celebrate with a song of Hjaltalin

When I should be Happy

I guess I should be happy today. I woke up late, had brunch and coffee while finish reading Mishima's Forbidden Colours. At the same time I was chatting with friends and listening to Kings of Convenience. Great, isn't it? But while doing all that I felt extremely lonely.

I sometimes feel surrounded by people, and yet lonely. I know I have found some great friends this last months (with some of them some shit has happened, but... yet we hang around a lot), I go out a lot, and try to enjoy. Like yesterday, I went to Kyoto with some friends, we walked around and enjoyed the beauty and magic of a very vibrating and lively city. We walked through many alleys that made us feel like going back in time, dark alleys cramped with bars and people. After walking around we got tired and entered an italian bar and restaurant,  where there was in the entrance a Mapuche symbol which made me crazy happy since my old boyfriend had Mapuche blood (Mapuche is one native tribe in South America and it is famous for its war and resistance techniques against the spanish, it is a warrior tribe). Were sitting in a very Oshare lounge (or stylish in japanese) it was fun, we talked a lot, enjoyed the place and the company of each other, and drunk Cabernet Sauvignon (Las Condes, which actually surprised me, since that is the name of the neighborhood  I was raised back home in Chile).

I wish I could be more happy and grateful for all the amazing experiences I live everyday and for the amazing people that surrounds me. Nevertheless, I feel extremely lonely and while listening Build up of King of Convenience I felt like shedding some tears of bitterness and happiness. I think it is quite ironic that in spite of having so many opportunities and a good life, I feel so down and sad.

I hope this feelings that absorb me disappear soon and that I can start fully enjoying my life once again.

I will strive and work the hardest possible to stop feeling this shit and I will do my best in everything I do again. I must not let these feelings take control over me.

When everything looks fine, be careful

This weekend has been fun, last week was interesting also. I don't know why I complain so much, but yet, though things might look very nice and perfect from the outside, I know that everything is tumbling down.

I am depressed, and trying to be healthy again. It is quite hard since I am far, and lonely. And it is particularly painful since soon is Valentine's day and I really have nothing to do!!
But before I go into that, I wish to explain some issues of my life. First, I feel ugly, and stupid and really alternative to the level of feeling unrelated to most people. Second, even though I am 28, I have only had 2 couples, and I still keep in touch with them. It is hard for me to cut such links, since I think that once you love, you never stop feeling something towards that person.
And the third issue is that I know that since I have a lonely soul, I will end up alone and single and sad (and this fear is reinforced by the fact that even though I am still "young", I have not had many couples and not many people is interested in me).

So, a friend that I kinda used to fancy (but who isn't interested in me except as for a friend), asked me to hold a valentine's party at my place, I sent the invitations, and yet nobody has accepted (maybe having a party on weekdays and on the 14th isn't such a good idea).

Then I got an email from home, really sweet, but made me feel so guilty. I know they accept me as gay, but they don't like it, and since I feel I am doing so horrible I feel so guilty of having such a good family, and yet I cannot do anything to make them feel good, or I should better say, I cannot do anything to make myself good enough, I have received so much, but I cannot give back not even a little to them. I started crying like a baby, and couldn't stop... I really felt sad and lonely and stupid after reading my mum's letter.

The next day I went to a date, and it was ok, the kid wasn't as cute as in his pictures (looked much fat compared to his pictures) but yet he was much more fun and interesting than an average Japanese, and I liked that. We talked about music, and weirdness and sex and whatever... I don't know if we will meet again, but yet it was fun.

Then a friend took me on Friday after my part time job to a sauna... It was interesting to see it. I was spited in my face while having some fun, that really turned me off; but later met some cute mid 30s guy that was very easy to talk to, it was fun. I am not really a sauna kid, but enjoyed it this time.

Then I went to the gym, run 6 km, went to bed and woke up early to go to Sasayama, a small town in the hilly area of Hyogo, 2 hours from where I live. There there is a sento (japanese thermal spa). It was fun, I ate noodles and cakes and even Peruvian empanadas!!!! That was very exciting!!!!

On Monday I met this guy I randomly bump into all the time. Parties, clubs, street, stores, everywhere!!! And he invited me to go for dinner, and we decided to go to eat Chilean food. He is quite cute, and very sweet. Though, too main stream, I would overlook that and try to know him better. But, although it was fun alright, I could tell he wast interested in me other than friends, which was sad, since I kinda had misunderstood his signals. Anyways, it reminded me that I am going to end up alone and sad! And as usual I always get rejected by people since I am not cute at all.

I sometimes feel that I should go back to my old boyfriend, we have a good sync, so it wouldn't be hard, but there has been so many things that have happened, that I know I must not. I know I am tired, and after 5 years, this relation can only be friendship.

But since I feel so alone in here, I am really craving for a boyfriend, someone to cheer me up and to support me, some reason to be alive and to work. But as a matter of fact, I know that will not happen ever! So I must just have fun and die fast, for there is no real purpose in living long and boring.

And although everything looks nice, since I dress nice, eat at cool places, travel a little and I am supposedly having fun, which causes my Instagram profile to get visited and visited by over 330 followers that like even my pictures (yes, some of the pictures I am in have over 80 likes!!! Unbeliveble)... The truth is that I do all that in order to feel better, but yet I know that all that shallowness and emptiness I feel won't go away until I can start loving and accepting myself.

"Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Inside me today
Around broken in two "

No title 1

This is my first post and I have no clue how to title it. But I don't care, so I won't give it one.

Before I start, I should introduce myself, I am Edo, and I am living in Japan for over a year already (a sufficient reason to become depressed). I am in my late twenties, and a graduate student from South America, that happens to be gay.

The reason I am starting this blog is because I have a major depressive disorder, I still cannot believe this has happened to me but I want to get fixed. So I decided to share my struggle and to fight forward.

I will briefly explain the reason of my depression, which it is basically caused by a high level of frustration in three areas of my life: professional, social and sexual.

And as the blog goes forward I would like to explain in detail how I became depressed, what I am doing to improve, and my daily life.

I know it sounds very rough and not very fun and flexible as it should, but I am starting, hopefully I can improve my style and become better at this as time goes by.

Thanks for reading.

Ps: if you find any English mistake (grammatical or anything), please feel free to correct me.