I guess I should be happy today. I woke up late, had brunch and coffee while finish reading Mishima's Forbidden Colours. At the same time I was chatting with friends and listening to Kings of Convenience. Great, isn't it? But while doing all that I felt extremely lonely.
I sometimes feel surrounded by people, and yet lonely. I know I have found some great friends this last months (with some of them some shit has happened, but... yet we hang around a lot), I go out a lot, and try to enjoy. Like yesterday, I went to Kyoto with some friends, we walked around and enjoyed the beauty and magic of a very vibrating and lively city. We walked through many alleys that made us feel like going back in time, dark alleys cramped with bars and people. After walking around we got tired and entered an italian bar and restaurant, where there was in the entrance a Mapuche symbol which made me crazy happy since my old boyfriend had Mapuche blood (Mapuche is one native tribe in South America and it is famous for its war and resistance techniques against the spanish, it is a warrior tribe). Were sitting in a very Oshare lounge (or stylish in japanese) it was fun, we talked a lot, enjoyed the place and the company of each other, and drunk Cabernet Sauvignon (Las Condes, which actually surprised me, since that is the name of the neighborhood I was raised back home in Chile).
I wish I could be more happy and grateful for all the amazing experiences I live everyday and for the amazing people that surrounds me. Nevertheless, I feel extremely lonely and while listening Build up of King of Convenience I felt like shedding some tears of bitterness and happiness. I think it is quite ironic that in spite of having so many opportunities and a good life, I feel so down and sad.
I hope this feelings that absorb me disappear soon and that I can start fully enjoying my life once again.
I will strive and work the hardest possible to stop feeling this shit and I will do my best in everything I do again. I must not let these feelings take control over me.
This weekend has been fun, last week was interesting also. I don't know why I complain so much, but yet, though things might look very nice and perfect from the outside, I know that everything is tumbling down.
I am depressed, and trying to be healthy again. It is quite hard since I am far, and lonely. And it is particularly painful since soon is Valentine's day and I really have nothing to do!!
But before I go into that, I wish to explain some issues of my life. First, I feel ugly, and stupid and really alternative to the level of feeling unrelated to most people. Second, even though I am 28, I have only had 2 couples, and I still keep in touch with them. It is hard for me to cut such links, since I think that once you love, you never stop feeling something towards that person.
And the third issue is that I know that since I have a lonely soul, I will end up alone and single and sad (and this fear is reinforced by the fact that even though I am still "young", I have not had many couples and not many people is interested in me).
So, a friend that I kinda used to fancy (but who isn't interested in me except as for a friend), asked me to hold a valentine's party at my place, I sent the invitations, and yet nobody has accepted (maybe having a party on weekdays and on the 14th isn't such a good idea).
Then I got an email from home, really sweet, but made me feel so guilty. I know they accept me as gay, but they don't like it, and since I feel I am doing so horrible I feel so guilty of having such a good family, and yet I cannot do anything to make them feel good, or I should better say, I cannot do anything to make myself good enough, I have received so much, but I cannot give back not even a little to them. I started crying like a baby, and couldn't stop... I really felt sad and lonely and stupid after reading my mum's letter.
The next day I went to a date, and it was ok, the kid wasn't as cute as in his pictures (looked much fat compared to his pictures) but yet he was much more fun and interesting than an average Japanese, and I liked that. We talked about music, and weirdness and sex and whatever... I don't know if we will meet again, but yet it was fun.
Then a friend took me on Friday after my part time job to a sauna... It was interesting to see it. I was spited in my face while having some fun, that really turned me off; but later met some cute mid 30s guy that was very easy to talk to, it was fun. I am not really a sauna kid, but enjoyed it this time.
Then I went to the gym, run 6 km, went to bed and woke up early to go to Sasayama, a small town in the hilly area of Hyogo, 2 hours from where I live. There there is a sento (japanese thermal spa). It was fun, I ate noodles and cakes and even Peruvian empanadas!!!! That was very exciting!!!!
On Monday I met this guy I randomly bump into all the time. Parties, clubs, street, stores, everywhere!!! And he invited me to go for dinner, and we decided to go to eat Chilean food. He is quite cute, and very sweet. Though, too main stream, I would overlook that and try to know him better. But, although it was fun alright, I could tell he wast interested in me other than friends, which was sad, since I kinda had misunderstood his signals. Anyways, it reminded me that I am going to end up alone and sad! And as usual I always get rejected by people since I am not cute at all.
I sometimes feel that I should go back to my old boyfriend, we have a good sync, so it wouldn't be hard, but there has been so many things that have happened, that I know I must not. I know I am tired, and after 5 years, this relation can only be friendship.
But since I feel so alone in here, I am really craving for a boyfriend, someone to cheer me up and to support me, some reason to be alive and to work. But as a matter of fact, I know that will not happen ever! So I must just have fun and die fast, for there is no real purpose in living long and boring.
And although everything looks nice, since I dress nice, eat at cool places, travel a little and I am supposedly having fun, which causes my Instagram profile to get visited and visited by over 330 followers that like even my pictures (yes, some of the pictures I am in have over 80 likes!!! Unbeliveble)... The truth is that I do all that in order to feel better, but yet I know that all that shallowness and emptiness I feel won't go away until I can start loving and accepting myself.
"Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Inside me today
Around broken in two "
